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franks

Top 10 things that indicate summer has arrived in south London (circa 2015)

  1. Al fresco drinking becomes the norm, despite the fumes and random mad people
  2. The fish market in Peckham starts to stink earlier
  3. Daytime drug taking becomes acceptable among niche groups
  4. Cider
  5. Brixton yoot meets South Clapham middle classes, at Carters Steam Fair
  6. Hairdressers staying open till 2am on Friday night
  7. Riot season
  8. Human heat endurance is pushed to its limits on the P4
  9. People are judged less harshly for drinking Pina Colada, out of a can
  10. Reggae, jerk chicken an ting

 

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Top 10 signs that your crappy south London borough has been invaded by denizens of Shoreditch and Dalston

  1.     The nastiest high street shop can now call itself a gallery
  2.     People sit on the pavement who aren’t tramps
  3.     Venues are now called hubs
  4.     Charity shops are as expensive as Topshop
  5.     People with turn-ups are seen on overground trains
  6.     There are now queues to get into shitty fist in the face pubs
  7.     Hairdressers replace barbers
  8.     Vietnamese replaces Chinese takeaways
  9.     Club nights aren’t just retro garage and hip hop
  10.     Men with trimmed beards and tight jeans can walk around in full view, without fear of being mugged

 


 

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Top 10 signs that your shitty South London high street is being gentrified

  1.    Nobody tries to sell you wraps of oregano at the bus stop
  2.     Your local kebab place gets reviewed by Jay Rayner
  3.     Food markets selling massive bags of suspect chicken for 99p are replaced by farmers markets selling 1 chicken for £20
  4.     Your local market that sells stolen goods is replaced by a vintage market
  5.     The most popular baby names are Oscar and Isabella
  6.     Your local multi-story car park becomes a venue
  7.     People from Stoke Newington actually travel across London to get to pubs where only a year ago people were being glassed in the face
  8.     Your local greasy spoon is now a purveyor of artisanal coffee and crafts
  9.     The Caribbean takeaway is replaced by Gails
  10.     Places you’ve studiously avoided for years on grounds of personal safety start to be cited in The Sunday Times Style Magazine

 

Top 10 things South London has over North London

  1.     People talking to themselves in the street
  2.     Punning hairdresser salon names, en masse e.g. Genesis – Where Hair Trends Start (Walworth Road), Curl Up And Dye (New Cross)
  3.     Fried chicken
  4.     The most terrifying night bus journey in London
  5.     Crackheads, who you know by name
  6.     Halal butchers that will also unlock phones
  7.     Street markets that sell stuff like combs and hair curlers, rather than kale and organic lamb
  8.     Penge
  9.     Catford
  10.     Dubstep (home of)

Top 10 hallucinations

  1.     Jim Morrison’s head detaching from a poster and floating into the middle of the room
  2.     Sunrise colours becoming solid and tangible
  3.     The court of Louis XIV, on a beach in Thailand
  4.     Melting faces
  5.     Cockroaches coming out of navel
  6.     Ben Elton
  7.     Dancefloor becoming a colouring book
  8.     Dancefloor covered in shagpile carpet
  9.     Dancefloor becoming quicksand
  10.     And, of course, (roll of drums…) spectacles

Top 10 singles of the year so far, no order
(June 2012)

  1.     Amit: Manic Minor
  2.     Bubble Bath: In Consequence Of A Wish
  3.     Dirty Dubsters: Bad Bwoy Dub
  4.     BZR: Moombah G
  5.     Peter Power: Red Roses
  6.     Scuba: Ne1butu
  7.     Will Bailey: Warhead Part II (Nick Thayer Mix)
  8.     The Do: Gonna Be Sick (Mylo Remix)
  9.     John Talabot: Last Land
  10.     Burial: Loner

 

Top 10 under-appreciated films
(January 2012)

  1.     Way Of The Gun
  2.     To Live And Die In LA
  3.     Cutters Way
  4.     Carlos (5 1/2 hour version)
  5.     Martin
  6.     The General (John Boorman)
  7.     Wild Bill
  8.     Bulworth
  9.     Navigator
  10.     The River Queen

 


 

Top 5 please don’t EVER make me sit through these films again
(January 2012)

  1.     29 Palms – unbelievably tedious for 2 hours, then stomach churningly violent. Holds shots for AGES in which nothing EVER happens
  2.     Che parts 1 & 2 – how can a bio about Che Guevara be so stupifyingly boring?
  3.     Forbiddon Door – has it finished yet?
  4.     The Hangover 2 – how to fuck up a franchise
  5.     Target – 3 hour Russian Dystopian epic – but seemingly written by a 12 year old

 


 

Top 15 tunes 2011

  1.     Big Black Delta: I Fucking Love You
  2.     Alice Gold: Runaway Love (Weatherall mix)
  3.     Chilly Gonzales: Never Stop
  4.     David Bowie: Let’s Dance (Jean Claude Gavri re-edit)
  5.     LCMDF: Gandhi (Weatherall number 2 mix)
  6.     Gil Scott Heron vs Jamie XX: New York Is Killing Me
  7.     Alan Essa: Feel It In Your Body
  8.     Gyptian: Hold You (Shy FX and Benny Page remix)
  9.     DI feat. Jenna vs Subscape: Flood Of Emotions
  10.     Jing Bong Ting: Drunken Master
  11.     Toddla T: Watch Me Dance (Weatherall mix)
  12.     Burial: NYC
  13.     Anika: Masters Of War
  14.     Hidden Fees: Sail Away (dub)
  15.     Julio Bashmore: Battle For Middle You

 


 

Top 10 Rude Audio musical personages, part 1

  1.     Mick Ronson
  2.     The Beach Boys circa 1966 to 1973
  3.     Big Star
  4.     Burial
  5.     JSt*r
  6.     King Tubby
  7.     Andrew Weatherall
  8.     Steve Mason
  9.     Renegade Soundwave
  10.     Subscape

 


 

Top 10 South East London pubs

  1.     The Crown and Greyhound – Dulwich
  2.     Barstory – Peckham
  3.     The Half Moon – Herne Hill
  4.     Hope and Anchor – Brixton
  5.     That one in Crystal Palace near the roundabout
  6.     Franklins – Lordship Lane
  7.     EDT – Lordship Lane
  8.     The Florence – Herne Hill
  9.     The Castle – Camberwell
  10.     Franks Bar – Peckham

 

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